I haven't really posted in a while. Sometimes I don't know what to say. Uprooting my life has given me space to really think and find myself some answers as well as more questions. I keep meaning to post something but can't find the words. There is so much I would say if I only knew how to get it out. I am a private person. I keep things in. I feel things so strongly that I can't let it out. I don't let myself show what is inside because I have a need to keep it together. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I were different. But I am not. I keep it together and I keep going. Push through it. That is what I do.
While watching some of my favourite TV shows I got thinking that this quality in myself explains why I so fiercely love some of the characters on these shows. Sometimes I see that in the characters that I love. I have always admired the strong female characters who have lived through a lot and pushed through it all. Even when it makes them shut down emotionally or made really bad decisions in their personal lives, even when the cracks start to show in the facade. Because in some ways, I see myself. And in other ways I see strength that I wish I had. Whatever it is, it ties me to certain shows and certain characters.
Since I first watched it all those years ago, I have loved Grey's Anatomy. Even through the ghost/hallucination debacle that was season 5. Through the trauma recovery of season 7, from the very beginning I have loved this show. Of course Meredith is the main character and I definitely relate to so much of her stories over the years, so much of the inability to connect with people, the feeling of disappearing, the lack of a sense of really being part of your own life. But the character that gets me is and always has been Cristina Yang. The tough front, the focus and drive, the need to be the best, the guard up, the stubbornness, it is all so me. She is tough and she pushes through. Even when she falls apart, she keeps going. And her friendship with Meredith. I get that. I have a best friend and I know if need be, we would help each other drag a corpse across a room. I have my person.
Part of why I love Grey's is because of its variety of interesting female characters. Bailey is probably one of the best characters ever on TV. Callie and Arizona's relationship (and marriage) matter a lot to me as it is major visibility for lesbian relationships. They have been through a lot and have shown a really positive portrayal of two women in love. That is huge for a major primetime show. I love TV because of the possibility. You get to follow characters through a wide variety of situations. You get to see different sides of who they are. There is possibility to show something real, something that can matter to the viewers. Something almost every week manages to resonate with me. Probably why I have cried at one point in my life at almost every single episode. Certain seasons remind me so much of different times in my life. It does break through to the places that I try to hide. And even though Cristina is my TV reflection, I have seen parts of myself in so many characters, from George to Lexie to Callie to Arizona to Addison over the years.
The first 2 seasons will always be the best. It is damn near impossible to argue with that. The most memorable moments of the show happened in those 2 seasons. I loved the feel to these seasons. They were really funny and really poignant. But I always forget how much I love the third and fourth seasons until I watch them. There are some really special moments in there. Season 3 is my Addison season. It is where I realized how much I could relate to what she was going through, particularly towards the end. She needed more from her life. She needed a change of pace, a fresh start. I get that feeling. I understand what it is like to be the one who keeps it together until it hits the point that you are stuck. And season 4 had the heartbreaking Crash Into Me episodes which were really something else. Even season 5 had its moments although there was also a lot that I could have done without. Season 6 got back on track, changed things up and it worked. Season 7 was a heartbreaker about recovery and moving on. There has not been a situation in in my life in the past 7 years that Grey's has not helped me get through.
As we near the 8th season, I hear about people who might be leaving the show and I wonder what will happen. Can the show really go on without Patrick Dempsey or Ellen Pompeo? But whatever happens, I have had quite the journey with this show. And those feelings will remain long after the show ceases to be on TV. For a little while, this show mattered to me.
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