What is your favourite movie?

I hate this question. If I could just pick one, I wouldn't own close to 300 movies. Just putting that out there. But seeing as I asked multiple people that very question yesterday, I have been thinking long and hard about my answer. 
And I still have no idea. I scanned my list of movies I own and shortened it a bit but realized that my reasons for loving some of them are a little too personal to put up for everyone to know. I think the whole question is far too personal. Actually saying what your favourite movie is feels like sharing a little window into your soul. And I don't always feel like letting people see in there. 
Although I did pick a few selections to share.
So here are my top 12 movies:

1. Almost Famous: One of the few that can consistently top my list. I fucking love this movie. I have already talked about how much, but it cannot be stressed enough. It makes me feel how I wish I felt all the time. Understood, part of it, not alone. And it really is all I ever wanted to do: travel around with rock bands and write about it. I would love to do that so much but it isn't really possible. And the soundtrack is amazing. I first watched it as a teenager and I just wanted to run away and go on the road with the band. Of course, the Tiny Dancer scene is just amazing because music really does unite us no matter how bad things may get. I can't say enough about this movie because I don't have enough words to explain how it makes me feel.

2. But I'm a Cheerleader: Yay lesbian movie! Clearly my reasons for loving it are pretty personal. I watched it a lot in 2006 and wished that my coming out had been funnier instead of awkward the way it was. Yes, it is a kind of cheesy movie and whatever, but I love it. I do wish I had managed to see it when I was younger because I feel like maybe it could have helped in some way but it didn't go that way so I don't have that. Instead, I watched it one night with my ex at her old place because she loved the movie and I hadn't seen it. And like so many other things, I had to reclaim it as something I loved for me and not because of her in the aftermath. And I think I like it better now than I did then. Because in a weird way, it reminds me of my life except nothing like that ever happened to me. The closest I got was when I used to be afraid that little clues about my big gay secret would slip out and there would be some big ordeal where people forced me to deal with it back when I was a teenager. That didn't happen but I used to worry about it daily from the ages of 12-18 so in some ways it does remind me of myself. But mostly it makes me laugh. And I like having a movie where everything is not heterosexual and gay is okay and normal.

3. Clerks/Clerks II: Yeah I am combining these into one thing. Possibly because I actually love Clerks II even more but feel like if I have the sequel I should have the original. Because I am weird like that. But anyway, I love both because it feels like my life except a lot funnier and less gay. Clerks reminds me of that time I worked at a gas station and also of the first few years at the theatre. When I just sort of went to work, did what I needed to do, and spent a lot of time talking about semi-inappropriate things with my friends. When I learned more about life than I did anywhere else. Clerks II reminds me more of where I am at now. Where I am getting older and I am still in the same place that I was all those years ago. When you start really wondering what the hell you are doing and if you are looking to run for the sake of running. When your job becomes this thing you do and the people are strange and even though you are older, you still don't really feel grown up. Although my life doesn't have Jay or Silent Bob. Or a donkey show. Which might be the best/most awkward part of the movie. But seriously, what I love about Kevin Smith movies is that really weird shit happens, but the characters and their conversations feel real, like real people. Also, Clerks II is pretty much guaranteed to make me feel a little better, even when my head is a mess and I can't deal with anything.

4. Elizabethtown: I am pretty sure that I am the only person who even likes this movie but I really love it. A lot. And I kind of watch it all the time. I just get it. From the failure/fiasco talk at the beginning to the phone conversation in the hotel to the cathartic road trip, I just get it. It makes sense. It is how I feel a lot lately. I understand failing so badly that it rocks your whole life and leaves you reeling with no idea how you got there or what to do next. Then you get a curveball thrown your way. And you meet someone so different than you and you question everything a little bit. And I want to go on a road trip. Like it gives Drew, it might give me some space to deal with my life, my emotions. It might help me gain some perspective. Also, I could listen to the soundtrack forever.

5. Fight Club: I was kind of really obsessed with this movie a few years back. As in quoting it all the time. I bought in to the Tyler Durden philosophy for a while. Now not so much. It doesn't feel so relevant to me anymore. It seems more about men and masculinity therefore it seems to relate a lot less than me. Because the freedom of Fight Club and Project Mayhem seemed to be freedom for men, not so much for women. I don't think we got to be a part of their liberation. So that has put some distance in between me and Fight Club. But it is still a good movie, interesting concept, and still offers a lot to think about. It just doesn't feel quite so relevant anymore. I used to feel like it was one of those movies that seems like it was made for me and I don't really feel that way anymore.

6. Forrest Gump: Confession: I first saw this movie in December 2010. Because I am a freak who sometimes misses major pop culture phenomena like this. Like seriously, how did that happen? But anyway I can see why it was so popular. It is heartwarming. I love the soundtrack (how often is that part of my justification for loving a movie?) and the story. I love the historical/political aspect. I love the character of Jenny, because I always seem to love the fucked up female characters in almost every movie I see. (Possibly because I am a kind of fucked up female? Because it is all I have ever been?) I don't know, maybe it is because she is part of the 60's counterculture that I love so much. I love the contrast between Forrest's simplistic understanding of the world and naive love of people with Jenny's pain and Lt. Dan's anger at a world that let them both down. Forrest just loves them both. And I know I already said it, but the soundtrack is pretty damn amazing. Some of my favourite songs ever. And I feel like maybe I should be too jaded and bitter and whatever to like this movie as much as I do, but I can't help myself. I know I do the whole cold exterior thing, but I can't deny the real emotions and the joy that this movie brings me. So I love it. 

7. Helen: So Adam and I are pretty much the only people who actually saw this movie but holy shit it is amazing. Also if anyone who has never been depressed wants to try to understand how it feels, watch this movie. Ashley Judd's performance is brilliant and heartbreaking. Lauren Lee Smith is captivating as well. I couldn't keep the tears away when I watched it. Because I do know. I know how depression feels. I know what lies at the depths and I know why it is so hard to just get better even though everyone else thinks you could if you wanted to. I know how you can fall in love with the madness. I know how you can not know how to be yourself without it. I know how it feels. And it is a genius piece of film-making in every way that I wish had gotten the attention it deserves.

8. In Good Company: I think this movie falls with Elizabethtown in the category of “movies I love that most other people didn't like” but that doesn't really matter to me. Another great soundtrack and another great story that I can relate to a little too well. Especially this year. This is kind of my In Good Company year at work. I kind of feel like Topher Grace's character in a few too many ways. I get how you can be successful at work and like being successful but still feel like maybe that isn't quite enough. Like maybe you are doing it for the wrong reasons. I don't know what I am really trying to say here but I do know that it makes a little more sense when I watch the movie.

9. Milk: I think this is the most inspiring biographical drama that I own. At least for me. Harvey Milk is an inspiration. The movie is so well done and packs such an emotional punch in the right way. It is a moving portrait of an icon. I don't really feel like my words can do the film proper justice. Just go watch it.

10. Reality Bites: The perfect post-graduation movie. I graduated with my BA in 2009. Getting a job with my liberal arts education has not exactly worked out as planned so far. And life is not as easy as you grow up thinking it will be. So anyway these factors, plus my general weirdness and my love for Winona Ryder all worked together to end up in my falling in love with this movie. It is kind of how I feel even though I am more like Ben Stiller's sellout character instead of the cool nonconformist main characters. But I do wish sometimes that I was more like Lelaina and Troy. I would have less money but maybe I would be happier. Maybe I would feel more authentic and less like my soul is a little empty. I don't know really, it just feels like maybe if I acted how I feel inside, I might feel a little less crazy. Also, another soundtrack shout out. Some pretty great 90's tunes in this soundtrack. And some pretty genuine feelings about growing up.

11. Rent: I fucking love Rent. Like way too much. A musical! With lesbians! Also with drug problems and AIDS and pretentious artists trying to navigate their young adulthood in a scary world that takes their friends away and tests their ability to feel free and to like themselves. The songs are great, the story is great and like a lot of children of the 90's, I used to want to be in Rent when I got older. Then I remembered that I can't sing or act and that it would never happen. So I bought the movie and I watch it when I want to feel the way I feel every time I see it. When I want to feel something about somewhere I wish I could have been, a time that I might have felt like I was a part of things.

12. Star Wars: Can the original trilogy be part of my favourites list without me feeling like a lame tool? I have no idea. But I do know I would be lying if I left it out. Because I was 10 when they were re-released in theatres. Because I wanted to be Han Solo. Because I let myself get swept up in the story and even though I am far too aloof for that now (and lying about it), I can still remember how it felt to let myself get lost in the story and in the magic. It was special. And yes, it makes me a nerd. I waited in lines for the prequels. I am actually excited for the 3D releases. And I can't see 3D so well. It is one of the few things that I can love unabashedly and not care how fundamentally uncool it makes me. Also, I think a 3D Death Star battle is going to be fucking awesome.

 

Also, Girl, Interrupted is pretty much one of my favourite movies of life, but the reasons why are not things that I really feel like sharing with the internet, so just note that it is a really fantastic movie and know that I love it. And here is a glimpse into my soul. Into what I love in movies and into who I am.

Is it alright for me to feel this way?

This is a post about The L Word. I am re-watching the first season and remembering what this show meant before it became what it was when it ended. When it began, it was so special. The first show about lesbians for lesbians. It premiered in 2004 but I first watched it in 2006. I watched it around the time I was starting to come out to people around me, so it definitely was a big part of a very big time in my life.


The pilot opens with the beautiful openings of "The Pleasure Song" by Marianne Faithful. Her haunting voice and that song over the view of Los Angeles, the image of Bette and Tina in their bed, two women in love, it was the start of something special. If I can forget how it would end, I can almost feel that way again watching the pilot.


When I watch this show, there are different characters and storylines that resonate differently depending on my current circumstances. I feel differently now than I did when I first saw it. But some things don't change. Seeing people like me on TV, seeing my stories, feeling like I was alright, like I belong, like there was something for me, all that mattered. These were women that you don't always see on TV. Bette represented someone that I might aspire to be like in my professional life, Shane represented the epitome of lesbian cool, Alice was fun and funny like a best friend, Dana represented some of the awkwardness of life, Jenny showed the pain and the confusion of changing your sense of identity. These people were my people.


Visibility helps. Visibility, seeing our stories being told, the sense of belonging, it all helps a person to feel less alone, less alienated, and more like a person who can finally see themselves reflected in the world around them. It broke through the loneliness a bit. It is so lonely to look around you and see nothing familiar. It is like staring into a mirror and seeing nothing reflected back at you. So seeing something, even a silly TV show, that reflects something and someone like you can help with those feelings.


And the first season was pretty damn good television. The storylines were interesting, the acting was great, and the characters felt real. We had role models, style icons, and lots of gay women on TV. I loved it. I loved the first 2 seasons so much. I saw gay women living their lives on my television week after week, and I felt less alone. It is just entertainment, but pop culture can matter too. It can make a scared kid who is just starting to edge her way out of the closet and just starting to let people know who she really is to see that it is alright to feel this way. It is ok to be gay. It can be fun and glamorous and painful and scary and funny and everything else that life is supposed to be. It can offer hope that things will be ok. It gave me hope that I would be ok, the being out could still offer a life full of everything I had wanted. 


Even knowing how it ends, I can honestly say that I love The L Word. And I wouldn't be quite the same if it hadn't happened.

It`s time for us as a people to start making some changes

I have been watching some documentaries today, trying to find something to believe in. I don`t have it all figured out yet, but I do know some things are worth fighting for. Justice, fairness, equality, human dignity, these are things worth fighting for. We need to wake up and really see our world. I am glad I took the time today to take in a few documentaries that I hope more people decide to see.


Here they are (with links to the trailers) 


Inside Job
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzrBurlJUNk
Capitalism: A Love Story 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JeROnVUADj0
The Corporation 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xa3wyaEe9vE


And this time I am not going into detail about what I think, but I will strongly urge everyone to watch for themselves, and decide what they think. Some things matter. For the sake of humanity, I hope we can all wake up and make the necessary changes.

Before you can read me, you got to learn how to see me

Growing up was not easy for me. I didn't feel like anyone really knew me. I didn't have any confidence or sense of who I was going to be. I didn't see myself anywhere. I didn't have a role model. I didn't feel like anyone could really see me for me. I had to reshape my whole understanding of the world as I got older and started to accept who I am. I had to make my own way, set my own terms, make my own mistakes, pick myself back up and find my own strength.


I found my soul through music, my heart through movies, my mind through books, and my strength through the life I've lived. I've learned a lot, most of it the hard way. I know it helps to feel understood. It helps to see yourself reflected in your popular culture, in music, TV shows, movies, and books. It helps  to have someone like you making a positive impact, someone to look up to. Visibility. It helps. And it helps to be seen. It helps to know that even if they don't completely understand, someone sees you for who you really are. They see past the illusions, the walls, the front you put up. Humans seem to have a need to be acknowledged, almost more than we need to feel understood. We want our world to see us. That is the other side of visibility. It is more than just what we see. We also need to be seen.


Or at least I do. I have been lucky to grow up in a time where there were positive female images in my world, not enough, but some. And there were even a few gay female images for me to take in as a kid. Very few, and mostly limited, but better than it used to be. But I never saw myself. The images I saw didn't feel like me. I didn't feel seen in my real life either. I felt invisible, like I was disappearing. I was fading fast, losing all sense of who I was and nobody seemed to notice. Of course it was only because I was pushing everyone away, but it still hurt. I didn't see my reflection and I felt invisible.


Some people ask why I care so much about movies, about gay characters on TV, about any of it. I think this answers that question. It matters because all of the progress that has been made is not enough. We sit here saying that it gets better, and it does. But not fast enough. It needs to get better faster. The whole world needs to change. We need to wake up. We are not in a place where we can say that it doesn't matter anymore. I am not saying that TV and movies are going to save the world. I am not that naive. Our world leaders need to stop equating homosexuality with sin, evil, sickness, or anything less than equal. People need to start being kinder to each other. We need to treat others better. But pop culture is part of the equation too. The more positive images of gay people that are out there, and the greater variety that these images show, can help reduce stereotyping, fear and hatred. At least that is what I believe.


I also believe that these images can have the ability to help kids who feel alone. Maybe they will see someone with a similar story in a wide release movie, or on their favourite show and maybe it will help them feel understood and seen by their world. We need a variety of positive images of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender characters on our TV's and in our movies. And we need to wake up. Our world has changed and it is better. In Canada, sexual orientation was not a protected ground of discrimination in the Charter until 1995. That is not that long ago. It has gotten better. But that does not mean that it is time to stop fighting. There is still a lot that needs to change. It needs to get even better. We can all make a difference, make a change, and make it better. We all need to be seen and accepted.  

But you turn right over to the TV page

One of the things I love about September is new TV seasons. This week I have watched the returns of 5 shows and watched the premieres of 5 new shows. Keeping up with TV is difficult when you work nights but so far, so good. All this television made me realize a few things: #1: I see everything through a feminist lens. I can't look at entertainment without noticing the strength and depth of the female characters. #2: I really like gay and lesbian storylines and will watch shows I would otherwise abandon if they have gay characters. #3. I have a thing for cop shows.


So my television agenda for this season looks like this so far: How I Met Your Mother, Glee, Unforgettable, Grey's Anatomy, Prime Suspect, 2 Broke Girls, New Girl, Law and Order SVU, CSI, and The Playboy Club. I am not yet 100% committed to all of them but I will in brief detail why I am giving them a shot. Sidenote: I would love to say that I could review my TV weekly, or give some thoughts or analysis, but realistically, it won't happen. Life is too busy and I often fall behind but who knows what might happen.


How I Met Your Mother: Sometimes I don't remember why I still watch this show. It is funny, but last season kind of sucked. All I really remember is that Cameron from House was in it and kept reminding me how much better that show used to be and how much better she looked with dark hair. This season kicked off much better. Also, Robin is basically the straight version of me so I kind of have to love that. While it is not perfect, the show generally avoids treating its female characters like empty stereotypes, or solely there as sex objects. Instead, Robin and Lily get to have actual personalities. Of course, it is a sitcom, not a perfect world, but still enough to make me laugh and keep watching.


Glee: Ugh, I have such a love-hate relationship with this show. Loves: Mercedes, Santana's gay storyline last season, Kurt about 95% of the time, most of the music, Quinn's new look. Hates: Plot inconsistencies, recycling the whole "Sue and the Cheerios try to destroy Glee Club" thing, Will's plots (and rapping), lack of consistent plotlines!!!
So anyway I did not think it was a strong return. I liked the Go-Go's song, Quinn's new look, and Kurt and Blaine's homo love made me smile. I did not like the excessive showtunes, the girl who butchered "Big Spender", the random kids who did that mash up of "Anything Goes" (which I was in back in grade 11) and "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better." Is this one of those Glee Project kids? Did we really need new characters that auditioned through some kind of weird reality show thing? Seriously? Also, the whole episode felt exactly like last season's premiere, only without sending someone to a crack house. And I realized at the end that this is a show I would have given up on if it wasn't for the gay content. . . I want to love this show, but it annoys the shit out of me more often than it should.


Unforgettable aka New Cop Show!!! starring someone from an old cop show I loved!!! I am happy. Poppy Montgomery was my favourite on Without a Trace so now she is rocking red hair on her own cop show. Weird-ish twist, her character can't forget anything (apparently a real thing) so that could be neat. Also featuring: stereotypical became a cop to solve personal childhood drama thing, love interest cop partner, strange flashbacks of things we already saw, and typical cop show formula. My assessment: nothing overly new, but I love cop shows, even when they are all the same. Plus, pilot episodes are often less than great because they have to set up and introduce the characters, so I am hoping that it will improve over the weeks because I want to love this show.    


Grey's Anatomy: I love this show. Even when it wasn't so good. Luckily this season premiere was good. Cristina's speech to Meredith about why she didn't want a kid = amazing. Pretty much explains how I feel about having kids (except I am not a surgeon). Meredith's speech to Owen about Cristina, also amazing. And a beautiful illustration of a fantastic friendship. Also [spoiler alert] a main character on a prime time drama actually has an abortion. No convenient miscarriages, no sudden personality changes into perfect mommy. She has the abortion. This is a big fucking deal because this legal medical procedure is extremely rarely shown on TV, particularly for main characters. And it keeps with the character that we have come to know and love. It is the right choice for Cristina. That doesn't make it easy. Also, I am very happy that Owen was able to see her side and go with her. 
I could say a lot about the rest of the episode, but this is important to me.


Prime Suspect: BEST NEW SHOW OF THE FALL SEASON!!!! According to my non-expert opinion. Maria Bello kicks some serious ass and might be my favourite actress this week. Plus this show basically says "So you think sexism in the workplace is dead? You are wrong assholes" and tells it like it is. Her coworkers hate her for no reason except that she is a woman. Sure they say it is because they think she slept her way to the top, but if she were a man, nobody would be questioning her right to be there. Nobody would be looking for an excuse to hate her. She would just be one of the guys. Which she essentially is anyway. She spits, gets angry, chases down suspects, gets punched in the fucking face, all to be the best cop she can be. She is working 10x harder for less than half the respect. So people who say we don't need feminism anymore can fuck off. It is not all better yet. And Prime Suspect is not afraid to tell the truth. Gritty and harsh as it may be. It is an incredible new show.


2 Broke Girls and New Girl are the comedies that I am willing to give a chance. Headlined by women that I generally like (Kat Dennings and Zooey Deschanel respectively), I am giving both shows a shot. The pilots felt kind of pilot-y and a little generic, but that happens. I am reserving judgement for now.


CSI and SVU are old, consistent favourites of mine. Formula cop shows that are basically always the same, even with cast changes. I love them for the same reasons I loved them back in high school. I like criminal law, I like law enforcement, I like watching people solve the cases. 


Finally, I am giving The Playboy Club a chance. Even though it is about the Playboy Club. And tries to pretend it is empowering to women. Which it is not. There is nothing empowering about making yourself a sexual fantasy, a sex object for men. Even on the show, one girl (out/"label-free but in a serious relationship with a woman" actress Amber Heard) gets attacked by a guy because she didn't let him touch her after dancing with him. Another character is a bunny so she can get money for her underground gay rights organization (aka the reason I am giving this show a chance) and another seems to be trying to be the first black centerfold because the rest of the world is more racist, not because this is a great goal in and of itself. Choice does not always mean something is empowering. It means maybe being a Playboy bunny was preferable to being a housewife or whatever other limited options were available to women. When all your choices are shitty, sex object might not be the worst thing. At least you get paid. But that doesn't make it empowering.


So fall TV is upon us. Is it too much to hope for something good from the shows I love? I think it matters what is portrayed on TV. The images we see help us shape our worldviews. Visibility matters. It helps. If we want things to really get better, TV can help. It matter to me and I hope I see some things worth talking about this season.

Do I stress you out?

So as I have alluded to, Grey's Anatomy is the show that has always been able to explain of define my life in some way. I am currently listening to the album that has done just that as well. Jagged Little Pill from Alanis Morissette, the album that has always been able to define my life in some way.


I am such a child of the 90s. That was the decade where I started to come of age, grow up, and understand my life through music. I can't say that this is always my favourite album, (that would go to something from Dylan or Zeppelin) or even my favourite Alanis album (which is Under Rug Swept). But it has this gut-wrenching ability to hit to the core of how I feel at any given time. 


And it has been with me for a long time, covering a huge range of life experiences. From when I first heard of it as an elementary school kid, this huge album with explicit lyrics that my mom wouldn't buy for me. I taped songs off the radio until I finally bought myself a copy at the age of thirteen, a time when I really needed angry chick rock. Alanis and the other 90s rock women gave me some of my first glimpses of feminism even though my young  self didn't really get it. But I did get the anger and the pain behind the songs. The album's first track, "All I Really Want" quickly became my anthem. Probably a fairly typical teenage girl experience in the 90s, but to me, it meant something.


Fast forward a few years and you could find me blasting "You Oughta Know" almost daily while driving my family's little Neon around the city. My high school persona. Smart, quiet, with a little bit of edge. I had these songs with me while I tried to figure out how to grow up. 


Skip ahead a little more to university. There are so many nights that a good friend (you know who you are) and I drank Boone's and sang at the top of our lungs along to Alanis. These were our songs. They described our lives somehow, so perfectly. I found myself and I saw myself reflected in her lyrics. It sounds so silly now but it helped to feel understood. After a broken heart that left me hurt and angry, it helped me to scream the lyrics to "You Oughta Know" as loud as I could. When I was crumbing under the pressure of my parents' and my own expectations, "Perfect" seemed to sum it all up. When I was fighting for myself, fighting to live with the darkness in my mind, "Mary Jane" gave m some small comfort. When I thought maybe I had messed everything up because my life had veered so far away from what I had planned, "You Learn" and "One Hand in my Pocket" gave me some clarity.


Is it a little silly that the cliched angry chick rock album of the 90s defines me and my life? Maybe it is. But what is music for if not to help us feel understood, to help us feel better? Even now, the songs make me feel better. There is an understanding, a connection with the lyrics and the feelings behind them. Every song reminds me of something or someone. It also reminds me of how much I have changed and grown up over the years. I am not the same girl who played the album on her discman in her parents' basement or the girl who blared the music driving to high school, or even the girl who sang along at the bar. I am now an adult who hears the music from her youth and remembers why it mattered so much at the time.  

Next time I'll be braver

Apparently I was depressing yesterday. I suppose that makes sense. I have been doing a lot of thinking about the choices that I have made in my life and dealing with and accepting where those choices have taken me. It was a process. I had to learn to accept myself. I had to accept who I am.


For a gay person, it can feel like coming out is supposed to be the best, most important part of your life. And while it was indisputably important and a huge deal for me, it was not the highlight of my youth. I knew I was different for as long as I can really remember. But I couldn't label what it was until I was a little older. Then I denied it. I didn't want a life where people hated me for who I loved. I didn't want to feel like an outcast, a failure, a reject. I didn't want to accept what it was that made me different. So I denied it. I lied to myself and everyone around me. I lied so much that I almost tricked myself into believing it wasn't true. But lies can only last for so long. The truth always comes out. And it did. It had been bursting at the seams and when I was 20, the truth exploded out into the open.


It was not some wonderful rainbow pride, new friends, new community, strong sense of identity, beautiful thing. It was messy and painful. I stopped fighting for myself. I stopped pushing forward. I got scared and I got stuck. I trapped myself in an incredibly unhappy relationship and got too scared to leave. I gave up and tried to get rid of myself. I didn't do it right. I wish I had been braver. I wish I had been able to have fun, enjoy and really live out my newfound sense of self. I wish I had been braver. Instead I was afraid of the rejection, the hurt, the loss of friends. So I hid myself and I let things happen that I never should have accepted.


My coming out was no party. But it was still incredibly important. The whole experience made me the person that I am today. I don't know if I can confidently say that it was all for the best, but it is what it is. The darkness, the failures, the disappointments, the fear, and the strength that I got from surviving those years made me who I am today. For better or for worse, I did make it through. I got lost and scared, but I still managed to push through it and keep going. And I did manage to find a strong sense of who I wanted to be. I found myself after I sorted through all the mess that I made of my life. I found someone who makes me happy. I hope I make her happy too, even when I do crazy things. (like deciding to move to Saint John . . .) I hope that I have managed to make something good out of myself. I think I am pretty good at my job. I think I might be able to have a positive impact on people. That is what it is all about. Maybe it can be easier for someone else. Maybe I can help some kid like who I used to be to feel less afraid and alone. 


Maybe I am going to be ok after all. For so long I didn't care what happened to me. Then I fought so hard just to get through that I didn't really live. Now, sometimes I think maybe it will all work out. Maybe I didn't screw it all up. Maybe there is still hope for me. I always wanted a life full of possibilities and here I am thinking that maybe right now, in this moment, I do have what I wished for. I have love, I have a life. I am not perfect. I make mistakes and stupid decisions. I don't have it all figured out. I don't have it all together. But I think that my life is what it is. I did what I knew how to do, I tried my best even when it was the wrong thing to do. I still wish I had been braver. I wish I had the guts to come out younger, in a better way. It was such a mess. And I didn't get to call the shots. I let someone else make the decisions for me. I got outed through the gossip. I let someone else run my life for 2 years because it was easier than dealing with who I am. But I learned from it all. Maybe someday those experiences will matter. Maybe all the lessons I learned the hard way will be worth it all.


It is not easy for me to be honest. It is far easier to deflect, to laugh it off, to make my experiences into a punchline. But I hear that it helps to talk about things, to be open. So here is a start. I never got to come out in my own way. I got called a slut by everyone I knew instead of getting acceptance. People told me I was pretending to be gay for the attention. I didn't look or act gay enough, someone would have known or suspected if it was really true. I was a slutty attention whore. That was what I was hearing every day. Never mind that I was trying to deal with an incredibly difficult thing to accept about myself. Never mind the pressure from the world around me. And I went to school and listened to people in my classes saying gay marriage was wrong because being gay was immoral. I heard the hatred in the media, in the world. But it hurt most to have all those people not believe me. it was so hard to say it, to admit it, then to have people doubt my sincerity when I was being honest about who I am for the first time ever was painful. 


That was my coming out story. Thankfully a couple of friends stuck around, no matter how hard I tried to push everyone away. I don't know how to thank those people for giving me the support that I so badly needed. One even got the idea of setting up her 2 gay friends and here we are 3 years later. Another one is forever my person. She ironed my shirts and made me dinner when I couldn't get my shit together enough to do it for myself. I learned that you cannot plan for your life. Things do not go according to plan. Sometimes you end up somewhere that you never thought you would be and you realize that after everything, life is ok. Sometimes that is enough.