What is your favourite movie?

I hate this question. If I could just pick one, I wouldn't own close to 300 movies. Just putting that out there. But seeing as I asked multiple people that very question yesterday, I have been thinking long and hard about my answer. 
And I still have no idea. I scanned my list of movies I own and shortened it a bit but realized that my reasons for loving some of them are a little too personal to put up for everyone to know. I think the whole question is far too personal. Actually saying what your favourite movie is feels like sharing a little window into your soul. And I don't always feel like letting people see in there. 
Although I did pick a few selections to share.
So here are my top 12 movies:

1. Almost Famous: One of the few that can consistently top my list. I fucking love this movie. I have already talked about how much, but it cannot be stressed enough. It makes me feel how I wish I felt all the time. Understood, part of it, not alone. And it really is all I ever wanted to do: travel around with rock bands and write about it. I would love to do that so much but it isn't really possible. And the soundtrack is amazing. I first watched it as a teenager and I just wanted to run away and go on the road with the band. Of course, the Tiny Dancer scene is just amazing because music really does unite us no matter how bad things may get. I can't say enough about this movie because I don't have enough words to explain how it makes me feel.

2. But I'm a Cheerleader: Yay lesbian movie! Clearly my reasons for loving it are pretty personal. I watched it a lot in 2006 and wished that my coming out had been funnier instead of awkward the way it was. Yes, it is a kind of cheesy movie and whatever, but I love it. I do wish I had managed to see it when I was younger because I feel like maybe it could have helped in some way but it didn't go that way so I don't have that. Instead, I watched it one night with my ex at her old place because she loved the movie and I hadn't seen it. And like so many other things, I had to reclaim it as something I loved for me and not because of her in the aftermath. And I think I like it better now than I did then. Because in a weird way, it reminds me of my life except nothing like that ever happened to me. The closest I got was when I used to be afraid that little clues about my big gay secret would slip out and there would be some big ordeal where people forced me to deal with it back when I was a teenager. That didn't happen but I used to worry about it daily from the ages of 12-18 so in some ways it does remind me of myself. But mostly it makes me laugh. And I like having a movie where everything is not heterosexual and gay is okay and normal.

3. Clerks/Clerks II: Yeah I am combining these into one thing. Possibly because I actually love Clerks II even more but feel like if I have the sequel I should have the original. Because I am weird like that. But anyway, I love both because it feels like my life except a lot funnier and less gay. Clerks reminds me of that time I worked at a gas station and also of the first few years at the theatre. When I just sort of went to work, did what I needed to do, and spent a lot of time talking about semi-inappropriate things with my friends. When I learned more about life than I did anywhere else. Clerks II reminds me more of where I am at now. Where I am getting older and I am still in the same place that I was all those years ago. When you start really wondering what the hell you are doing and if you are looking to run for the sake of running. When your job becomes this thing you do and the people are strange and even though you are older, you still don't really feel grown up. Although my life doesn't have Jay or Silent Bob. Or a donkey show. Which might be the best/most awkward part of the movie. But seriously, what I love about Kevin Smith movies is that really weird shit happens, but the characters and their conversations feel real, like real people. Also, Clerks II is pretty much guaranteed to make me feel a little better, even when my head is a mess and I can't deal with anything.

4. Elizabethtown: I am pretty sure that I am the only person who even likes this movie but I really love it. A lot. And I kind of watch it all the time. I just get it. From the failure/fiasco talk at the beginning to the phone conversation in the hotel to the cathartic road trip, I just get it. It makes sense. It is how I feel a lot lately. I understand failing so badly that it rocks your whole life and leaves you reeling with no idea how you got there or what to do next. Then you get a curveball thrown your way. And you meet someone so different than you and you question everything a little bit. And I want to go on a road trip. Like it gives Drew, it might give me some space to deal with my life, my emotions. It might help me gain some perspective. Also, I could listen to the soundtrack forever.

5. Fight Club: I was kind of really obsessed with this movie a few years back. As in quoting it all the time. I bought in to the Tyler Durden philosophy for a while. Now not so much. It doesn't feel so relevant to me anymore. It seems more about men and masculinity therefore it seems to relate a lot less than me. Because the freedom of Fight Club and Project Mayhem seemed to be freedom for men, not so much for women. I don't think we got to be a part of their liberation. So that has put some distance in between me and Fight Club. But it is still a good movie, interesting concept, and still offers a lot to think about. It just doesn't feel quite so relevant anymore. I used to feel like it was one of those movies that seems like it was made for me and I don't really feel that way anymore.

6. Forrest Gump: Confession: I first saw this movie in December 2010. Because I am a freak who sometimes misses major pop culture phenomena like this. Like seriously, how did that happen? But anyway I can see why it was so popular. It is heartwarming. I love the soundtrack (how often is that part of my justification for loving a movie?) and the story. I love the historical/political aspect. I love the character of Jenny, because I always seem to love the fucked up female characters in almost every movie I see. (Possibly because I am a kind of fucked up female? Because it is all I have ever been?) I don't know, maybe it is because she is part of the 60's counterculture that I love so much. I love the contrast between Forrest's simplistic understanding of the world and naive love of people with Jenny's pain and Lt. Dan's anger at a world that let them both down. Forrest just loves them both. And I know I already said it, but the soundtrack is pretty damn amazing. Some of my favourite songs ever. And I feel like maybe I should be too jaded and bitter and whatever to like this movie as much as I do, but I can't help myself. I know I do the whole cold exterior thing, but I can't deny the real emotions and the joy that this movie brings me. So I love it. 

7. Helen: So Adam and I are pretty much the only people who actually saw this movie but holy shit it is amazing. Also if anyone who has never been depressed wants to try to understand how it feels, watch this movie. Ashley Judd's performance is brilliant and heartbreaking. Lauren Lee Smith is captivating as well. I couldn't keep the tears away when I watched it. Because I do know. I know how depression feels. I know what lies at the depths and I know why it is so hard to just get better even though everyone else thinks you could if you wanted to. I know how you can fall in love with the madness. I know how you can not know how to be yourself without it. I know how it feels. And it is a genius piece of film-making in every way that I wish had gotten the attention it deserves.

8. In Good Company: I think this movie falls with Elizabethtown in the category of “movies I love that most other people didn't like” but that doesn't really matter to me. Another great soundtrack and another great story that I can relate to a little too well. Especially this year. This is kind of my In Good Company year at work. I kind of feel like Topher Grace's character in a few too many ways. I get how you can be successful at work and like being successful but still feel like maybe that isn't quite enough. Like maybe you are doing it for the wrong reasons. I don't know what I am really trying to say here but I do know that it makes a little more sense when I watch the movie.

9. Milk: I think this is the most inspiring biographical drama that I own. At least for me. Harvey Milk is an inspiration. The movie is so well done and packs such an emotional punch in the right way. It is a moving portrait of an icon. I don't really feel like my words can do the film proper justice. Just go watch it.

10. Reality Bites: The perfect post-graduation movie. I graduated with my BA in 2009. Getting a job with my liberal arts education has not exactly worked out as planned so far. And life is not as easy as you grow up thinking it will be. So anyway these factors, plus my general weirdness and my love for Winona Ryder all worked together to end up in my falling in love with this movie. It is kind of how I feel even though I am more like Ben Stiller's sellout character instead of the cool nonconformist main characters. But I do wish sometimes that I was more like Lelaina and Troy. I would have less money but maybe I would be happier. Maybe I would feel more authentic and less like my soul is a little empty. I don't know really, it just feels like maybe if I acted how I feel inside, I might feel a little less crazy. Also, another soundtrack shout out. Some pretty great 90's tunes in this soundtrack. And some pretty genuine feelings about growing up.

11. Rent: I fucking love Rent. Like way too much. A musical! With lesbians! Also with drug problems and AIDS and pretentious artists trying to navigate their young adulthood in a scary world that takes their friends away and tests their ability to feel free and to like themselves. The songs are great, the story is great and like a lot of children of the 90's, I used to want to be in Rent when I got older. Then I remembered that I can't sing or act and that it would never happen. So I bought the movie and I watch it when I want to feel the way I feel every time I see it. When I want to feel something about somewhere I wish I could have been, a time that I might have felt like I was a part of things.

12. Star Wars: Can the original trilogy be part of my favourites list without me feeling like a lame tool? I have no idea. But I do know I would be lying if I left it out. Because I was 10 when they were re-released in theatres. Because I wanted to be Han Solo. Because I let myself get swept up in the story and even though I am far too aloof for that now (and lying about it), I can still remember how it felt to let myself get lost in the story and in the magic. It was special. And yes, it makes me a nerd. I waited in lines for the prequels. I am actually excited for the 3D releases. And I can't see 3D so well. It is one of the few things that I can love unabashedly and not care how fundamentally uncool it makes me. Also, I think a 3D Death Star battle is going to be fucking awesome.

 

Also, Girl, Interrupted is pretty much one of my favourite movies of life, but the reasons why are not things that I really feel like sharing with the internet, so just note that it is a really fantastic movie and know that I love it. And here is a glimpse into my soul. Into what I love in movies and into who I am.

Is it alright for me to feel this way?

This is a post about The L Word. I am re-watching the first season and remembering what this show meant before it became what it was when it ended. When it began, it was so special. The first show about lesbians for lesbians. It premiered in 2004 but I first watched it in 2006. I watched it around the time I was starting to come out to people around me, so it definitely was a big part of a very big time in my life.


The pilot opens with the beautiful openings of "The Pleasure Song" by Marianne Faithful. Her haunting voice and that song over the view of Los Angeles, the image of Bette and Tina in their bed, two women in love, it was the start of something special. If I can forget how it would end, I can almost feel that way again watching the pilot.


When I watch this show, there are different characters and storylines that resonate differently depending on my current circumstances. I feel differently now than I did when I first saw it. But some things don't change. Seeing people like me on TV, seeing my stories, feeling like I was alright, like I belong, like there was something for me, all that mattered. These were women that you don't always see on TV. Bette represented someone that I might aspire to be like in my professional life, Shane represented the epitome of lesbian cool, Alice was fun and funny like a best friend, Dana represented some of the awkwardness of life, Jenny showed the pain and the confusion of changing your sense of identity. These people were my people.


Visibility helps. Visibility, seeing our stories being told, the sense of belonging, it all helps a person to feel less alone, less alienated, and more like a person who can finally see themselves reflected in the world around them. It broke through the loneliness a bit. It is so lonely to look around you and see nothing familiar. It is like staring into a mirror and seeing nothing reflected back at you. So seeing something, even a silly TV show, that reflects something and someone like you can help with those feelings.


And the first season was pretty damn good television. The storylines were interesting, the acting was great, and the characters felt real. We had role models, style icons, and lots of gay women on TV. I loved it. I loved the first 2 seasons so much. I saw gay women living their lives on my television week after week, and I felt less alone. It is just entertainment, but pop culture can matter too. It can make a scared kid who is just starting to edge her way out of the closet and just starting to let people know who she really is to see that it is alright to feel this way. It is ok to be gay. It can be fun and glamorous and painful and scary and funny and everything else that life is supposed to be. It can offer hope that things will be ok. It gave me hope that I would be ok, the being out could still offer a life full of everything I had wanted. 


Even knowing how it ends, I can honestly say that I love The L Word. And I wouldn't be quite the same if it hadn't happened.

It`s time for us as a people to start making some changes

I have been watching some documentaries today, trying to find something to believe in. I don`t have it all figured out yet, but I do know some things are worth fighting for. Justice, fairness, equality, human dignity, these are things worth fighting for. We need to wake up and really see our world. I am glad I took the time today to take in a few documentaries that I hope more people decide to see.


Here they are (with links to the trailers) 


Inside Job
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzrBurlJUNk
Capitalism: A Love Story 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JeROnVUADj0
The Corporation 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xa3wyaEe9vE


And this time I am not going into detail about what I think, but I will strongly urge everyone to watch for themselves, and decide what they think. Some things matter. For the sake of humanity, I hope we can all wake up and make the necessary changes.

Before you can read me, you got to learn how to see me

Growing up was not easy for me. I didn't feel like anyone really knew me. I didn't have any confidence or sense of who I was going to be. I didn't see myself anywhere. I didn't have a role model. I didn't feel like anyone could really see me for me. I had to reshape my whole understanding of the world as I got older and started to accept who I am. I had to make my own way, set my own terms, make my own mistakes, pick myself back up and find my own strength.


I found my soul through music, my heart through movies, my mind through books, and my strength through the life I've lived. I've learned a lot, most of it the hard way. I know it helps to feel understood. It helps to see yourself reflected in your popular culture, in music, TV shows, movies, and books. It helps  to have someone like you making a positive impact, someone to look up to. Visibility. It helps. And it helps to be seen. It helps to know that even if they don't completely understand, someone sees you for who you really are. They see past the illusions, the walls, the front you put up. Humans seem to have a need to be acknowledged, almost more than we need to feel understood. We want our world to see us. That is the other side of visibility. It is more than just what we see. We also need to be seen.


Or at least I do. I have been lucky to grow up in a time where there were positive female images in my world, not enough, but some. And there were even a few gay female images for me to take in as a kid. Very few, and mostly limited, but better than it used to be. But I never saw myself. The images I saw didn't feel like me. I didn't feel seen in my real life either. I felt invisible, like I was disappearing. I was fading fast, losing all sense of who I was and nobody seemed to notice. Of course it was only because I was pushing everyone away, but it still hurt. I didn't see my reflection and I felt invisible.


Some people ask why I care so much about movies, about gay characters on TV, about any of it. I think this answers that question. It matters because all of the progress that has been made is not enough. We sit here saying that it gets better, and it does. But not fast enough. It needs to get better faster. The whole world needs to change. We need to wake up. We are not in a place where we can say that it doesn't matter anymore. I am not saying that TV and movies are going to save the world. I am not that naive. Our world leaders need to stop equating homosexuality with sin, evil, sickness, or anything less than equal. People need to start being kinder to each other. We need to treat others better. But pop culture is part of the equation too. The more positive images of gay people that are out there, and the greater variety that these images show, can help reduce stereotyping, fear and hatred. At least that is what I believe.


I also believe that these images can have the ability to help kids who feel alone. Maybe they will see someone with a similar story in a wide release movie, or on their favourite show and maybe it will help them feel understood and seen by their world. We need a variety of positive images of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender characters on our TV's and in our movies. And we need to wake up. Our world has changed and it is better. In Canada, sexual orientation was not a protected ground of discrimination in the Charter until 1995. That is not that long ago. It has gotten better. But that does not mean that it is time to stop fighting. There is still a lot that needs to change. It needs to get even better. We can all make a difference, make a change, and make it better. We all need to be seen and accepted.  

But you turn right over to the TV page

One of the things I love about September is new TV seasons. This week I have watched the returns of 5 shows and watched the premieres of 5 new shows. Keeping up with TV is difficult when you work nights but so far, so good. All this television made me realize a few things: #1: I see everything through a feminist lens. I can't look at entertainment without noticing the strength and depth of the female characters. #2: I really like gay and lesbian storylines and will watch shows I would otherwise abandon if they have gay characters. #3. I have a thing for cop shows.


So my television agenda for this season looks like this so far: How I Met Your Mother, Glee, Unforgettable, Grey's Anatomy, Prime Suspect, 2 Broke Girls, New Girl, Law and Order SVU, CSI, and The Playboy Club. I am not yet 100% committed to all of them but I will in brief detail why I am giving them a shot. Sidenote: I would love to say that I could review my TV weekly, or give some thoughts or analysis, but realistically, it won't happen. Life is too busy and I often fall behind but who knows what might happen.


How I Met Your Mother: Sometimes I don't remember why I still watch this show. It is funny, but last season kind of sucked. All I really remember is that Cameron from House was in it and kept reminding me how much better that show used to be and how much better she looked with dark hair. This season kicked off much better. Also, Robin is basically the straight version of me so I kind of have to love that. While it is not perfect, the show generally avoids treating its female characters like empty stereotypes, or solely there as sex objects. Instead, Robin and Lily get to have actual personalities. Of course, it is a sitcom, not a perfect world, but still enough to make me laugh and keep watching.


Glee: Ugh, I have such a love-hate relationship with this show. Loves: Mercedes, Santana's gay storyline last season, Kurt about 95% of the time, most of the music, Quinn's new look. Hates: Plot inconsistencies, recycling the whole "Sue and the Cheerios try to destroy Glee Club" thing, Will's plots (and rapping), lack of consistent plotlines!!!
So anyway I did not think it was a strong return. I liked the Go-Go's song, Quinn's new look, and Kurt and Blaine's homo love made me smile. I did not like the excessive showtunes, the girl who butchered "Big Spender", the random kids who did that mash up of "Anything Goes" (which I was in back in grade 11) and "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better." Is this one of those Glee Project kids? Did we really need new characters that auditioned through some kind of weird reality show thing? Seriously? Also, the whole episode felt exactly like last season's premiere, only without sending someone to a crack house. And I realized at the end that this is a show I would have given up on if it wasn't for the gay content. . . I want to love this show, but it annoys the shit out of me more often than it should.


Unforgettable aka New Cop Show!!! starring someone from an old cop show I loved!!! I am happy. Poppy Montgomery was my favourite on Without a Trace so now she is rocking red hair on her own cop show. Weird-ish twist, her character can't forget anything (apparently a real thing) so that could be neat. Also featuring: stereotypical became a cop to solve personal childhood drama thing, love interest cop partner, strange flashbacks of things we already saw, and typical cop show formula. My assessment: nothing overly new, but I love cop shows, even when they are all the same. Plus, pilot episodes are often less than great because they have to set up and introduce the characters, so I am hoping that it will improve over the weeks because I want to love this show.    


Grey's Anatomy: I love this show. Even when it wasn't so good. Luckily this season premiere was good. Cristina's speech to Meredith about why she didn't want a kid = amazing. Pretty much explains how I feel about having kids (except I am not a surgeon). Meredith's speech to Owen about Cristina, also amazing. And a beautiful illustration of a fantastic friendship. Also [spoiler alert] a main character on a prime time drama actually has an abortion. No convenient miscarriages, no sudden personality changes into perfect mommy. She has the abortion. This is a big fucking deal because this legal medical procedure is extremely rarely shown on TV, particularly for main characters. And it keeps with the character that we have come to know and love. It is the right choice for Cristina. That doesn't make it easy. Also, I am very happy that Owen was able to see her side and go with her. 
I could say a lot about the rest of the episode, but this is important to me.


Prime Suspect: BEST NEW SHOW OF THE FALL SEASON!!!! According to my non-expert opinion. Maria Bello kicks some serious ass and might be my favourite actress this week. Plus this show basically says "So you think sexism in the workplace is dead? You are wrong assholes" and tells it like it is. Her coworkers hate her for no reason except that she is a woman. Sure they say it is because they think she slept her way to the top, but if she were a man, nobody would be questioning her right to be there. Nobody would be looking for an excuse to hate her. She would just be one of the guys. Which she essentially is anyway. She spits, gets angry, chases down suspects, gets punched in the fucking face, all to be the best cop she can be. She is working 10x harder for less than half the respect. So people who say we don't need feminism anymore can fuck off. It is not all better yet. And Prime Suspect is not afraid to tell the truth. Gritty and harsh as it may be. It is an incredible new show.


2 Broke Girls and New Girl are the comedies that I am willing to give a chance. Headlined by women that I generally like (Kat Dennings and Zooey Deschanel respectively), I am giving both shows a shot. The pilots felt kind of pilot-y and a little generic, but that happens. I am reserving judgement for now.


CSI and SVU are old, consistent favourites of mine. Formula cop shows that are basically always the same, even with cast changes. I love them for the same reasons I loved them back in high school. I like criminal law, I like law enforcement, I like watching people solve the cases. 


Finally, I am giving The Playboy Club a chance. Even though it is about the Playboy Club. And tries to pretend it is empowering to women. Which it is not. There is nothing empowering about making yourself a sexual fantasy, a sex object for men. Even on the show, one girl (out/"label-free but in a serious relationship with a woman" actress Amber Heard) gets attacked by a guy because she didn't let him touch her after dancing with him. Another character is a bunny so she can get money for her underground gay rights organization (aka the reason I am giving this show a chance) and another seems to be trying to be the first black centerfold because the rest of the world is more racist, not because this is a great goal in and of itself. Choice does not always mean something is empowering. It means maybe being a Playboy bunny was preferable to being a housewife or whatever other limited options were available to women. When all your choices are shitty, sex object might not be the worst thing. At least you get paid. But that doesn't make it empowering.


So fall TV is upon us. Is it too much to hope for something good from the shows I love? I think it matters what is portrayed on TV. The images we see help us shape our worldviews. Visibility matters. It helps. If we want things to really get better, TV can help. It matter to me and I hope I see some things worth talking about this season.

Do I stress you out?

So as I have alluded to, Grey's Anatomy is the show that has always been able to explain of define my life in some way. I am currently listening to the album that has done just that as well. Jagged Little Pill from Alanis Morissette, the album that has always been able to define my life in some way.


I am such a child of the 90s. That was the decade where I started to come of age, grow up, and understand my life through music. I can't say that this is always my favourite album, (that would go to something from Dylan or Zeppelin) or even my favourite Alanis album (which is Under Rug Swept). But it has this gut-wrenching ability to hit to the core of how I feel at any given time. 


And it has been with me for a long time, covering a huge range of life experiences. From when I first heard of it as an elementary school kid, this huge album with explicit lyrics that my mom wouldn't buy for me. I taped songs off the radio until I finally bought myself a copy at the age of thirteen, a time when I really needed angry chick rock. Alanis and the other 90s rock women gave me some of my first glimpses of feminism even though my young  self didn't really get it. But I did get the anger and the pain behind the songs. The album's first track, "All I Really Want" quickly became my anthem. Probably a fairly typical teenage girl experience in the 90s, but to me, it meant something.


Fast forward a few years and you could find me blasting "You Oughta Know" almost daily while driving my family's little Neon around the city. My high school persona. Smart, quiet, with a little bit of edge. I had these songs with me while I tried to figure out how to grow up. 


Skip ahead a little more to university. There are so many nights that a good friend (you know who you are) and I drank Boone's and sang at the top of our lungs along to Alanis. These were our songs. They described our lives somehow, so perfectly. I found myself and I saw myself reflected in her lyrics. It sounds so silly now but it helped to feel understood. After a broken heart that left me hurt and angry, it helped me to scream the lyrics to "You Oughta Know" as loud as I could. When I was crumbing under the pressure of my parents' and my own expectations, "Perfect" seemed to sum it all up. When I was fighting for myself, fighting to live with the darkness in my mind, "Mary Jane" gave m some small comfort. When I thought maybe I had messed everything up because my life had veered so far away from what I had planned, "You Learn" and "One Hand in my Pocket" gave me some clarity.


Is it a little silly that the cliched angry chick rock album of the 90s defines me and my life? Maybe it is. But what is music for if not to help us feel understood, to help us feel better? Even now, the songs make me feel better. There is an understanding, a connection with the lyrics and the feelings behind them. Every song reminds me of something or someone. It also reminds me of how much I have changed and grown up over the years. I am not the same girl who played the album on her discman in her parents' basement or the girl who blared the music driving to high school, or even the girl who sang along at the bar. I am now an adult who hears the music from her youth and remembers why it mattered so much at the time.  

Next time I'll be braver

Apparently I was depressing yesterday. I suppose that makes sense. I have been doing a lot of thinking about the choices that I have made in my life and dealing with and accepting where those choices have taken me. It was a process. I had to learn to accept myself. I had to accept who I am.


For a gay person, it can feel like coming out is supposed to be the best, most important part of your life. And while it was indisputably important and a huge deal for me, it was not the highlight of my youth. I knew I was different for as long as I can really remember. But I couldn't label what it was until I was a little older. Then I denied it. I didn't want a life where people hated me for who I loved. I didn't want to feel like an outcast, a failure, a reject. I didn't want to accept what it was that made me different. So I denied it. I lied to myself and everyone around me. I lied so much that I almost tricked myself into believing it wasn't true. But lies can only last for so long. The truth always comes out. And it did. It had been bursting at the seams and when I was 20, the truth exploded out into the open.


It was not some wonderful rainbow pride, new friends, new community, strong sense of identity, beautiful thing. It was messy and painful. I stopped fighting for myself. I stopped pushing forward. I got scared and I got stuck. I trapped myself in an incredibly unhappy relationship and got too scared to leave. I gave up and tried to get rid of myself. I didn't do it right. I wish I had been braver. I wish I had been able to have fun, enjoy and really live out my newfound sense of self. I wish I had been braver. Instead I was afraid of the rejection, the hurt, the loss of friends. So I hid myself and I let things happen that I never should have accepted.


My coming out was no party. But it was still incredibly important. The whole experience made me the person that I am today. I don't know if I can confidently say that it was all for the best, but it is what it is. The darkness, the failures, the disappointments, the fear, and the strength that I got from surviving those years made me who I am today. For better or for worse, I did make it through. I got lost and scared, but I still managed to push through it and keep going. And I did manage to find a strong sense of who I wanted to be. I found myself after I sorted through all the mess that I made of my life. I found someone who makes me happy. I hope I make her happy too, even when I do crazy things. (like deciding to move to Saint John . . .) I hope that I have managed to make something good out of myself. I think I am pretty good at my job. I think I might be able to have a positive impact on people. That is what it is all about. Maybe it can be easier for someone else. Maybe I can help some kid like who I used to be to feel less afraid and alone. 


Maybe I am going to be ok after all. For so long I didn't care what happened to me. Then I fought so hard just to get through that I didn't really live. Now, sometimes I think maybe it will all work out. Maybe I didn't screw it all up. Maybe there is still hope for me. I always wanted a life full of possibilities and here I am thinking that maybe right now, in this moment, I do have what I wished for. I have love, I have a life. I am not perfect. I make mistakes and stupid decisions. I don't have it all figured out. I don't have it all together. But I think that my life is what it is. I did what I knew how to do, I tried my best even when it was the wrong thing to do. I still wish I had been braver. I wish I had the guts to come out younger, in a better way. It was such a mess. And I didn't get to call the shots. I let someone else make the decisions for me. I got outed through the gossip. I let someone else run my life for 2 years because it was easier than dealing with who I am. But I learned from it all. Maybe someday those experiences will matter. Maybe all the lessons I learned the hard way will be worth it all.


It is not easy for me to be honest. It is far easier to deflect, to laugh it off, to make my experiences into a punchline. But I hear that it helps to talk about things, to be open. So here is a start. I never got to come out in my own way. I got called a slut by everyone I knew instead of getting acceptance. People told me I was pretending to be gay for the attention. I didn't look or act gay enough, someone would have known or suspected if it was really true. I was a slutty attention whore. That was what I was hearing every day. Never mind that I was trying to deal with an incredibly difficult thing to accept about myself. Never mind the pressure from the world around me. And I went to school and listened to people in my classes saying gay marriage was wrong because being gay was immoral. I heard the hatred in the media, in the world. But it hurt most to have all those people not believe me. it was so hard to say it, to admit it, then to have people doubt my sincerity when I was being honest about who I am for the first time ever was painful. 


That was my coming out story. Thankfully a couple of friends stuck around, no matter how hard I tried to push everyone away. I don't know how to thank those people for giving me the support that I so badly needed. One even got the idea of setting up her 2 gay friends and here we are 3 years later. Another one is forever my person. She ironed my shirts and made me dinner when I couldn't get my shit together enough to do it for myself. I learned that you cannot plan for your life. Things do not go according to plan. Sometimes you end up somewhere that you never thought you would be and you realize that after everything, life is ok. Sometimes that is enough.

She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway

I haven't really posted in a while. Sometimes I don't know what to say. Uprooting my life has given me space to really think and find myself some answers as well as more questions. I keep meaning to post something but can't find the words. There is so much I would say if I only knew how to get it out. I am a private person. I keep things in. I feel things so strongly that I can't let it out. I don't let myself show what is inside because I have a need to keep it together. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I were different. But I am not. I keep it together and I keep going. Push through it. That is what I do.


While watching some of my favourite TV shows I got thinking that this quality in myself explains why I so fiercely love some of the characters on these shows. Sometimes I see that in the characters that I love. I have always admired the strong female characters who have lived through a lot and pushed through it all. Even when it makes them shut down emotionally or made really bad decisions in their personal lives, even when the cracks start to show in the facade. Because in some ways, I see myself. And in other ways I see strength that I wish I had. Whatever it is, it ties me to certain shows and certain characters.


Since I first watched it all those years ago, I have loved Grey's Anatomy. Even through the ghost/hallucination debacle that was season 5. Through the trauma recovery of season 7, from the very beginning I have loved this show. Of course Meredith is the main character and I definitely relate to so much of her stories over the years, so much of the inability to connect with people, the feeling of disappearing, the lack of a sense of really being part of your own life. But the character that gets me is and always has been Cristina Yang. The tough front, the focus and drive, the need to be the best, the guard up, the stubbornness, it is all so me. She is tough and she pushes through. Even when she falls apart, she keeps going. And her friendship with Meredith. I get that. I have a best friend and I know if need be, we would help each other drag a corpse across a room. I have my person. 


Part of why I love Grey's is because of its variety of interesting female characters. Bailey is probably one of the best characters ever on TV. Callie and Arizona's relationship (and marriage) matter a lot to me as it is major visibility for lesbian relationships. They have been through a lot and have shown a really positive portrayal of two women in love. That is huge for a major primetime show. I love TV because of the possibility. You get to follow characters through a wide variety of situations. You get to see different sides of who they are. There is possibility to show something real, something that can matter to the viewers. Something almost every week manages to resonate with me. Probably why I have cried at one point in my life at almost every single episode. Certain seasons remind me so much of different times in my life. It does break through to the places that I try to hide. And even though Cristina is my TV reflection, I have seen parts of myself in so many characters, from George to Lexie to Callie to Arizona to Addison over the years. 


The first 2 seasons will always be the best. It is damn near impossible to argue with that. The most memorable moments of the show happened in those 2 seasons. I loved the feel to these seasons. They were really funny and really poignant. But I always forget how much I love the third and fourth seasons until I watch them. There are some really special moments in there. Season 3 is my Addison season. It is where I realized how much I could relate to what she was going through, particularly towards the end. She needed more from her life. She needed a change of pace, a fresh start. I get that feeling. I understand what it is like to be the one who keeps it together until it hits the point that you are stuck. And season 4 had the heartbreaking Crash Into Me episodes which were really something else. Even season 5 had its moments although there was also a lot that I could have done without. Season 6 got back on track, changed things up and it worked. Season 7 was a heartbreaker about recovery and moving on. There has not been a situation in in my life in the past 7 years that Grey's has not helped me get through.


As we near the 8th season, I hear about people who might be leaving the show and I wonder what will happen. Can the show really go on without Patrick Dempsey or Ellen Pompeo? But whatever happens, I have had quite the journey with this show. And those feelings will remain long after the show ceases to be on TV. For a little while, this show mattered to me. 

Can't carry it with you if you want to survive

Visibility matters. This is part of the tagline of AfterEllen.com, an awesome lesbian entertainment website and it is so true. Gay and lesbian visibility matters. It is important to help people understand that gay people aren't scary. It helps gay people feel less alone. Seeing yourself represented in your popular culture is important because it is something that we share. This is partly why so many gay ladies kept watching The L Word long after it had stopped being a show worth watching.


I could probably go on for days about lesbian visibility in movies, on TV and in music. It is something I feel very strongly about. But for today, I want to talk about the show The Voice. A singing competition show that I have fallen completely in love with. Also featuring two out lesbians in the top 4! This is a big deal. It is something that doesn't happen very often. And both ladies were voted into the top 4 by being the top voted members of their teams. Both are extremely amazing singers and enthralling performers. I hope to hell they pull off successful careers.


Vicci Martinez kills every performance she does. She has an amazing voice and ridiculous energy every time she takes the stage. Her voice hits a place in my heart that almost hurts due to the honesty and emotion that she puts into everything. I have watched her performance of 'Dog Days Are Over' so many times that I lost count.


Beverly McClellan is a 41 year old lesbian with a shaved head, facial piercings and lots of tattoos. She could never pass as straight. And last night she performed wearing a plaid shirt, a bandana, jeans and work boots, singing 'Beautiful' with Christina Aguilera and it kind of got me emotional. Beverly is beautiful. There is more than one way to be beautiful. Truth and honesty are beautiful. Seeing this performance made me feel so happy and a little less alone out in this world. Visibility matters. It does make a difference.


So why does this matter so much to me? Maybe because I grew up with a very limited number of pop culture portrayals of lesbians. Maybe that made it harder for me to accept myself. I didn't see myself anywhere. The only lesbians I saw anywhere for a long time were KD Lang, Melissa Etheridge and Ellen DeGeneres, who are all pretty great. But I am not butch, I am not an awesome rock star, and I was old enough to get that Ellen's career kind of tanked for a while after she came out. Also in my actual life, only my 8th grade French teacher was a lesbian and everyone hated her. She yelled at us a lot and had a mullet. I couldn't see my future in the images that I had. I knew I wasn't like everyone else, but was this really what I had to look forward to? Anger and mullets? By now I have the perspective to see how silly I was being, but at 13 I just felt scared and alone.


I am not saying that greater gay visibility would have made it easier, but it might have helped. It could have made a big difference for me. The lesbian movies of the 90s like But I'm a Cheerleader, Better than Chocolate and The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love weren't exactly movies that I was either aware of or able to see at the time. I was a kid in Fredericton, NB. I didn't actually know anyone that I knew was gay. The only lesbians I remember seeing on TV very often were Carol and Susan on Friends. I didn't see myself anywhere reflected back. It was lonely. I was afraid. I didn't feel like I knew how to be who I really was.  



I hope greater visibility can help. I hope it really does get better. I hope gay kids can feel better about themselves than I did. I hope for so much to change that it no longer feels almost revolutionary to have 2 lesbians on a reality competition show. I hope we can all feel a little less alone.

But I carry this feeling . . .

I have been spending a lot of time lately thinking. About my life. About my past. About my future. I never thought I would be where I am today. This was never where I thought I would be. That is not to say that I am unhappy with my life. In fact, it is mostly the opposite. I am pretty happy here and now. I can't really complain about most of it. But sometimes it doesn't feel like enough. Sometimes I want more. 


Lately I have been in an indie film, old music type of place. I miss my best friend. I read a lot about feminism and some about pop culture. I spend a lot of time thinking about women's roles in movies and music, about how our society treats women, about how the standards that women are held to are weighing down on me so much that I am unbelievably exhausted from trying to live up to the expectations. I question why it has to be this way. I question why it seems to be more important to the world at large how I look than what I know. I ask why there are so few positive portrayals of gay women around me, why there is such little visibility and I ask if anyone cares. Sometimes I get angry about it all. I wonder what Canadians got ourselves into with this Conservative majority government we are now stuck with. I wonder why there hasn`t been enough progress to make it easier to be a woman.


I am about two thirds through reading The Beauty Myth and it still rings so true today, 20 years after it was written. It is scary how often I would read things about the professional beauty requirement, or the indoctrination into the beauty cult, or how female sexuality isn`t really our own and feel it click with what I have known all along but been unable to verbalize before. All those things in my head that made me feel so crazy for so long aren`t just me. They are real external forces that are driving hundreds of thousands of women crazy. The more freedoms women win, the tighter the constraints on our physical appearance become. It seems so clear to me now. I am kind of angry with myself for buying into it, for falling for it, for letting it hurt me so much. But it is so nice to know that it is no just me, that I am not just crazy like I thought for so long.


I wish that I could go back in time and take Women`s Studies when I was a student. Maybe it could have helped me avoid some of the bumps along the road. Or maybe I had to take the long way to get to where I am before it could click with me.    

Fantastic Films

I have fallen back in love with Netflix this week. There are a lot of really amazing films, some of which I watched this week that really spoke to my love of cinema. My favourite kind of films: independent, low budget films about young women struggling to find their way in their lives. Sure, lots of people find this type of movie to be pretentious or full of cliches or whatever but they make sense to me. They are much more relevant to my life than big budget movies all about men. Some of them show a different viewpoint than the typical male gaze. These films seem to argue that women's stories are worth telling too. The white, heterosexual male isn't the only one with an interesting story worth telling. Sometimes I wish that I had studied film and spend all my time discussing movies like these. 


First film I want to mention, Broken English. This is a beautiful film directed by Zoe Cassavetes, starring Parker Posey as a 30-ish woman working in a job she feels no connection for and trying to deal with her loneliness. Arguably, she does spend a lot of the film looking for love, however to me it didn't read as a desperate woman who needed a man, rather as a woman who is lonely. So lonely that she focused on looking for love as a way to combat this loneliness. It paints a beautiful portrait of a lonely woman in a dull job who just wants something special. There is an honesty to the story and to the emotion. The character of Nora isn't some dream girl or some ideal woman. She feels real. Her friendship with her best friend feels like a real friendship. And yes, it does have a romantic storyline but love is a part of life too. Broken English has real emotion but it is not a totally realistic movie. It is a sort of indie fantasy in some ways. But there is nothing wrong with a fantasy. Who doesn't want to change their life and run off to Paris every now and then? 
Broken English is different than big budget Hollywood love story type movies that pop up so often. There is a sadness and loneliness undercurrent through the entire movie, even the happy parts, even the Paris section. It reminds me of the lonely feeling I get sometimes even when surrounded by other people. Life can be lonely, trying to figure it all out. And of course, Parker Posey is a phenomenal actress which she shows again here.


Nest up was Winter Passing. This film stars Zooey Deschanel as Reese, a young, struggling actress who returns to her dysfunctional home to visit her father after being offered a good chunk of money to publish letters written between her famous writer parents. Reese is kind of poor, does drugs and drinks a lot, and slams her hand in a drawer on purpose just to feel something. She does not have it together. Again, not some Hollywood fantasy type at all but rather an interesting, flawed character. In a lot of ways, Winter Passing reminded me of Garden State if its main character was female and there wasn't a romantic plot. Winter Passing is also about a struggling young person returning home following the death of their mother, with a father that they do not communicate with very well. Both meet some odd characters along the way who inadvertently help them learn to live. That said, I think I like Winter Passing even more. I like that there is no love story. Reese is having a hard time and it is not all fixed by falling in love. It isn't really all fixed at all. At the end she seems to be doing better, but we don't really know how much better. The movie is not devoid of cliches, but it does fare better than some. Reese's father and the strays he seems to have picked up are pretty unique and quirky. However, it does not seem to be a case of genius in their oddity. They just seem to be kind of strange. They all just seem to be weird because they have problems. 
Zooey Deschanel is often typecast as a "manic pixie dreamgirl"-type but not here. Reese isn't anyone's dream. She is angry, sarcastic, numb, sad and a whole host of other characteristics. She isn't the two-dimensional free spirit archetype. She is a complete, multi-dimensional character with positive and negative characteristics. I love this movie. It has a complex female lead and does not rely on romantic cliches. I would consider it a must-see.

No matter gay, straight or bi; lesbian, transgender life, I'm on the right track baby I was born to survive

I have such a love/hate relationship with Glee. On the one hand, I love what the show is doing for gay visibility with Kurt and with Santana's current storyline. On the other hand, I can't shake the feeling that their female characters are falling into traditional stereotypes and caricatures rather than real, well-developed characters. And I can't quite shake the feeling that their gay male characters are getting much more quality storylines than lesbians ever get. Although Santana's current character development might prove me wrong. I hope it proves me wrong.

My other big problem that I have been mulling over for the past week stems from the Born This Way episode. Overall a pretty good episode. I liked the message, the t-shirts and Santana's quote "The only straight I am is straight up bitch." But my big problem is the conspicuous omission of the aforementioned line of the song. No matter gay, straight or bi, lesbian transgender life, I'm on the right track baby I was born to survive. This single line is the essence of the song to me. It is what gives me hope, makes me feel just a little bit more understood and respected. It gives me the strength to keep going when life knocks me down. That is the message that gay kids (and adults) need to hear. That is the message that Glee fans should have heard last week. But instead we get a weirdly abrupt cut from where that line should have been to the no matter black, white or beige . . . line for a second time. They both matter, but couldn't both lines have been included? Don't we all deserve a shout-out? And I get that songs have to be cut down for TV, but why that particular line? Why the weird edit? And why not cut down that excessively long Barbra Streisand song to make room for a line of Gaga that literally changes music and helps people feel validated?

I want an explanation for this. I want to know why more people don't care. I want to know why there is so much hatred and fear of gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgendered people. What is so scary? What is so wrong with those very words that they can't be sung on Glee? Why is it that we so often take two steps forward and three steps back as a society?

Before thinking that I am nitpicking a frivolous point, hear me out. Pop culture matters. Visibility matters. We understand our world through the pop culture that we consume. It may be sad, but it is true. More well rounded gay characters open up people's eyes and hearts. Lines like that features in this post's title matter. They give strength and hope to people who need it, and reaffirm pride for others. I do believe that pop culture matters. It is so much a part of our daily lives that we can't help but be influenced by it when forming opinions. Pop culture and cultural criticism matter.

So maybe I am getting too worked up over a small point. But it matters to me. I think it is indicative of something. So ask yourselves why was this the line that was cut? Is there too much pride, too much acceptance brimming behind these words? 

And if Fox TV won't air this line, I will. Read it, think it over, scream it, mean it, live it. Fox can't shut down the emotion behind these lyrics. They can pretend we don't exist, pretend we aren't proud of who we are, but they cannot deny the feeling that I felt when I first heard Lady Gaga singing this song.

No matter gay, straight or bi, lesbian transgender life, I'm on the right track baby I was born to survive.

Worst election results since 1984

So today Canada has failed. Conservative majority government, worst Prime Minister in a long time now has a ridiculous amount of power. I seriously have our electoral system right now. Goodbye to democracy and women's rights. Hello to a shitty 5 years ahead. I am pretty afraid for a number of things. And pretty pissed off. This is not going to be fun. At least the NDP now forms the official opposition. This could hopefully be a sign of things to come. Also, fuck the so called "Natural Governing Party of Canada." That level of arrogance almost deserves that level of failure.

Although I hate to say it, Canadian politics just got a bit more interesting. Apparently Quebec does not feel the need for a separatist party anymore, Canada has lost patience with the Liberals, the NDP are rising showing hints at a wind of change coming, and Harper has his majority which he will likely use as an opportunity to show what an asshole he really is. I will have to amp up my attention to politics and see what Harper tries to do. I may have to go to Ottawa to protest if it gets to the level that it could get to. This is the worst outcome (except for the 1984 numbers). But seriously Canada. What the hell? Harper was found in contempt of Parliament! And what did we do? Give him a fucking majority???? Does that make sense?

I am pretty annoyed. Why can't we have proportional representation? Why can't we have a responsive government? Less than 40% of the vote should not mean a majority. We shouldn't look at our government and know that they are a bunch of out of touch stuffy jerks sitting on their high horses pretty much indifferent to the little people. No wonder the NDP surged ahead. That is the only thing that I am happy about tonight. 

Stay tuned Canada. Let's see how much damage we managed to do to ourselves today.

That's life. If nothing else, It's life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have.

I watched a couple of coming of age movies the other day. First was the 80s version of life after college graduation found in St. Elmo's Fire. This movie is cheesy as hell with some less than stellar acting, entertaining fashion choices and some cheesy dialogue, but I adore it. I first watched it when I was 21. In it, between all the cheese, I found a movie about things I was going through. I related too much to Demi Moore's character Jules. I knew what it was like to have all this self-created drama, to be unbelievably tired at a young age, to not live up to the image I presented. She and Ally Sheedy's Leslie are the only  characters I can relate to in the film. Kevin is too depressing, Alec is a hypocritical ass, Billy is a wreck, Wendy is too nice, and Kirby is kind of a stalker. But in Leslie and Jules, I saw pieces of myself. I saw a reflection of my own feelings. And even though it is cheesy and no longer so relevant to my circumstances, I remember how I felt at that time. Growing up and really starting to act like an adult is not easy. It was nice to see that other people feel the same way.

In the same day, I watched the movie that provided the title quote, Garden State. This was the coming of age film for my generation a few years back. I remember so clearly watching this movie in 2004 thinking: Finally. Finally someone makes a movie for people around my age that feels like my life. It was the first indie type movie I saw and a first for movies that really hit the core of where I was at that time. And it is still very relevant to how I feel. Also it has a fantastic soundtrack. It made sense to me when I watched it at 18 and it makes even more sense to me now. I feel like someone else has been where I am. I relate to the character of Andrew Largeman. I get how hard life can be when it hurts. I get how a few days can change everything. I get the numbness and the fear that can creep in. It all makes sense to me.

A lot of people seem to enjoy hating this movie now. Like suddenly the people who loved this movie when it came out now like to be too cool to like it. They complain about the indie music being overused, the character type that Natalie Portman plays, the once iconic scenes that now feel cliched, and the growing pains people hit in their mid-20s. But it is still true to life. The music wasn't overdone in 2004. It was refreshing. Natalie Portman's character wasn't an overused shell, she was a unique, imperfect woman. The growing pains of being in your mid-20s may be pathetic and self-absorbed, but it is part of life. And movies like St Elmo's Fire, Reality Bites and Garden State each being released in the 80s, 90s and 2000s indicate that this is a common phase of life for people of this age. Post-college, pre-successful career, it is easy to feel completely lost, sad, let down by the promises of what lay ahead, afraid and alone. And this might seem silly to some people but when you are in it, you are in it. Movies that help you feel understood matter. It helps to know you are not alone and that this is a part of life.

I love coming-of-age movies, particularly post-college movies. Probably because I am not far removed from my own university graduation. I am in the early stages of a career that I hope to succeed in. I worry a lot about failing everyone. I spend a lot of time listening to music and watching movies and thinking about my life. I am in that "annoying" 20-something phase of life. It is nice to feel like it is normal, to feel understood.

Just call me Bossypants

I have a confession for everyone: I am a little bossy. Now to a lot of you, this is no surprise. I am a bossypants and have been for as long as anyone can remember. It is just part of who I am. Now I have worked hard to learn to get along with others and control it, but it is still there. And I also love Tina Fey and pretty much everything she does. She manages to make television I want to watch and is one hell of a funny lady. So imagine how happy I was to pick up a copy of her new book Bossypants.

This book is hilarious. Tina Fey humourosly details aspects of her life ranging from childhood up to the present in a way that feels like talking to a close friend. She is one funny lady. Her worldview is very similar to mine, which makes me love this book. It isn't a celebrity memoir, it is just funny. She laughs at herself and at everyone else, including internet haters. Her self-deprecating kind of humour made for a fantastic read. You have to be able to take the joke and go with it, laugh at yourself. And she delivers on that point.

Bossypants reminded me in some ways of Carrie Fisher's Wishful Drinking which I may have to pull off the shelf for another read. Again, less of a memoir and more of a hilarious worldview which references some events of her life. And always willing to laugh at herself and make some jokes at her own expense. Sort of like when Carrie Fisher guest starred on 30 Rock for what was a favourite episode of mine.

As a bossy lady in a position of power, people will sometimes be cruel, like the random person online who said this about Tina Fey: “Tina Fey is an ugly, pear-shaped, bitchy, overrated troll.” Her response in one section of the book is one of the funniest parts. She addresses the random cruel comments in a much funnier way than most of us would. Carrie Fisher has also used her Twitter account to post some very funny responses to haters. These women inspire me. They take an insult and make it a joke.

Anyway I just thought I would mention a couple of my favourite books in case anyone was looking for some funny reads. Bossypants and Wishful Drinking are books that I highly recommend written by two very funny ladies.

Teenage girls kicking serious ass

This week I happened to watch 2 movies that feature young women kicking some serious ass. Both are trained to kill from a young age. The 2 movies are incredibly different and are both films I found quite enjoyable and a little different from the standard mold. They are Kick-Ass and Hanna.

First up, Kick-Ass mostly because it was released first. The character of Hit Girl is undeniably the most awesome part of the movie. She has been analyzed to death on the internet over the past year for everything from her violence (and enjoyment of said violence) to her crude language to the implications of being raised to kill and exact someone else's revenge. However, in a superhero movie, it is great to see a girl kick ass.

The movie asks the question of why no regular person has tried to be a superhero. It goes from there and ranges from hilariously comic moments to the darker side of humanity, and of trying to be something that only exists in comics. It is actually a rather interesting take on the question and quite funny in some parts. It is also very violent. What I liked best was that a superhero movie finally featured a strong, ass-kicking young women. The downside, this movie is ultimately about a young man who is rewarded by getting the hot girl. Hit Girl is a secondary character. She just happens to be considerably more interesting than the main character.

Now to 2011's upgrade on the teenage girl kicking ass: Hanna.
I first saw a trailer for this movie at the end of last year and have been eagerly anticipating it since then. It stars Saorise Ronan as Hanna, a young woman who was raised in isolation by her father, trained to kill. The difference is that Hanna fights and kills for survival. People are out to kill her. She is on her own to protect herself. And this film delivers on all of my expectations. Hanna kicks serious ass. She defends herself. And while her father is also looking for some revenge, Hanna's violence is pretty much all in the context of her survival. She is not accustomed to being in the world and around people. She displays a very human level of curiosity and very little judgement. She is unprepared for life out in the world, but very prepared to live through any and all attempts by the CIA at her capture. This contrast provides an interesting story throughout the film.

This film is genius. It is unlike any other mainstream movie that I can think of. Hanna is the main character. This is a story about her. And this girl is not some lame-ass female lead like we often find in terrible romantic comedies. She is not looking for love. The one scene where a guy does try to kiss her shows in a highly entertaining way that Hanna is not after love. She is out to survive. And Cate Blanchett, one of the best actresses out there, shines in her role as the CIA agent after Hanna and her father. She is pure brilliance as usual. 

This film is exceptionally well acted, has an incredibly well written script, and has a very interesting directing style. I have not seen any of director Joe Wright's other films, but I found Hanna to be strikingly different visually than a lot of other films. Maybe it was because the film was not shot to view Hanna as a sex object. Maybe it was the beautifully used scenery. Maybe it was the action and violence without being gratuitous. I am not sure what it was, but it all came together and worked to make what is one of the best films that I have seen in recent years. I suggest that any of you out there go see this film as soon as possible.

So, these 2 films I have mentioned are quite different and I feel quite differently about them. Kick-Ass was fun and was a baby step in the right direction for action/superhero films, but will probably never become a favourite film of mine. It was good, but not spectacular. I only bought the DVD because it was on 4 for $20. I like it, not love it. Hanna I do love. I will definitely own the DVD regardless of price. It will have a lasting impression, and currently has an excellent chance of being one of my top films of 2011. So far this year it is right up there with the best I have seen. I hope it signals a trend that Hollywood is ready to tell interesting stories about complex and fascinating female characters. I hope to see more films like this one again. And I hope Hanna gets the recognition that I feel it deserves from people other than myself, from people with greater influence.

The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with someone else when we're uncool.

It's all happening! This is a recurring line in Almost Famous. As is the concept of rock music being your home. This is the definitive movie for any fan of classic rock. It captures the feeling of loving rock. This is how I feel when I listen to classic rock. I can barely even express how this movie makes me feel. It is like nothing else in popular cinema. And the soundtrack. The sheer amazingness of the music of Almost Famous is almost unspeakable. The Who, Led Zeppelin, Elton John, all used brilliantly. The music all feels perfect for the scenes in which it is used. And the scene on the bus. The Tiny Dancer scene, one of the greatest scenes in a movie of the past 15 years. I well up every single time. There is something more than I can explain in that scene. The music can bring people together and transcend the fights and the mistakes. Music can help people.

And my second favourite scene: on the plane when they think they are going to crash. The things people will say, the truth comes out. It is another moment of brilliance that can ring some bells about the things we keep to ourselves and the things we want to say. It is about people. About life. There are real emotions in this movie.

The character of Penny Lane is also a breath of fresh air in otherwise stale cinematic women. She is different. She is both independent and vulnerable. She loves the music and she lives her life. She might not make the best decisions, but she feels real. Unfortunately Kate Hudson has not had another role this good since this film. I saw something in her that I don't often see in big deal, mainstream movies. She gets it. The absolute all-consuming love for rock and roll. A time before I was even alive this I miss like crazy. I wish I could have been there.

I wish I could have lived William's life. Touring with the band, writing for Rolling Stone magazine. Learning about life. He was so young and naive and dealt with situations far beyond what he was ready for. And he was living his life. They all were. It was a special time in music. Patrick Fugit has the perfect face for this role. I honestly don't understand why he doesn't have more of a career. And Frances McDormand as his mother is pure genius, as expected. She is overprotective, but William is her 15 year old son. She is fantastic. 

Of course, the feeling of truth of the movie is likely there because this is loosely based on a time in writer/director Cameron Crowe's life, but that doesn't make it any less amazing. Also, I love Cameron Crowe. Say Anything, Singles, Jerry Maguire, Elizabethtown and of course Almost Famous all occupy places on my DVD shelf and I love them all. They all represent a slice of life that feels real to me, something I can relate to.

I generally hate when people ask me what my favourite movie is. It is too impossibly difficult to pick just one. But I think Almost Famous would make my top 5.

Don't let anyone, ever, make you feel like you don't deserve what you want

10 Things I Hate About You is smarter and better then the average teen movie. I remember when it came out in 1999, right around the time I saw a lot of other teen movies. I was 13 and these movies meant the world to me. They were relevant to my life. And I got to go see them alone at the toonie theatre. This was the epitome of middle school coolness for me. However, this movie stood out from the general sea of crap that is/was teen movies. I mean, yes it is horribly predictable and kind of cheesy, but it made an impression on my young self.

It introduced me (and most of North America) to Heath Ledger. He rose above the material and showed of some really genuine acting. From the obvious fun and joy on his face as he runs away from the security guards while singing to Julia Stiles' character to the visible guilt on his face in the second to last scene as the weight of his actions hits home, he showed us the beginnings of his skill in a silly teen comedy. It is a poignant reminder of how brilliant Heath Ledger truly was.

10 Things I Hate About You also demonstrates more intelligent humour than most other teen movies. It seems to be aware of its genre's ridiculousness and while it employs many of the stereotypes, there is a sense of self-awareness here. And this movie is actually funny. I still laugh when I watch it. 

And I can't talk about this movie without mentioning the character of Kat Stratford. She was the one I wanted to be after I watched this. I modeled some of my clothing choices after her throughout my teenage years. She was sarcastic, angry, a feminist, and a bit of a rebel, and I loved her. She introduced my young self to feminism. This movie was where I first heard of Bikini Kill, Sylvia Plath, Simone de Beauvoir and Betty Friedan. And I felt understood and justified in my anger at the high school boys' idiocy and misogyny. I was also angry at the Joey Donner types that I knew. I wanted to run my car into theirs, I wanted to watch someone punch them out at prom (or do it myself) and I wanted to know that it was ok to feel that way. Teenage girls in movies aren't always allowed to express these feelings, but Kat did. And someone still loved her, without her having to change her entire worldview.

So yes, this is a somewhat silly teen comedy from my youth. But to me, it rises above most of the other teen comedies of that era and remains something I enjoy watching. It meant something to me at a time when everything was hard and I didn't see myself reflected anywhere in pop culture. I felt a little bit more understood and that mattered to me.

United Nations’ Human Rights Council issues joint statement on LGBT human rights

 So this has absolutely nothing to do with movies, but I think it is worth sharing. Also, this is bascially what my degree is in, so even though I am not working in the field, I do still have a huge interest in human rights and the international community's actions. For all its flaws, I still have a little faith in the UN.
 

1. We recall the previous joint statement on human rights, sexual orientation and gender identity, presented at the Human Rights Council in 2006;

2. We express concern at  continued evidence in every region of acts of violence and related human rights violations based on sexual orientation and gender identity brought to the Council’s attention by Special Procedures since that time, including killings, rape, torture and criminal sanctions;

3. We affirm the General Assembly joint statement of December 18, 2008 on human rights, sexual orientation and gender identity, supported by States from all five regional groups, and encourage States to join the statement;

4. We commend the attention paid to these issues by international human rights mechanisms including relevant Special Procedures and treaty bodies and welcome continued attention to human rights issues related to sexual orientation and gender identity within the context of the Universal Periodic Review. As the United Nations Secretary General reminded us in his address to this Council at its Special Sitting of 25 January 2011, the Universal Declaration guarantees all human beings their basic rights without exception, and when individuals are attacked, abused or imprisoned because of their sexual orientation or gender identity, the international community has an obligation to respond;

5. We welcome the positive developments on these issues in every region in recent years, such as the resolutions on human rights, sexual orientation and gender identity adopted by consensus in each of the past three years by the General Assembly of the Organization of American States, the initiative of the Asia‐Pacific Forum on National Human Rights Institutions to integrate these issues within the work of national human rights institutions in the region, the recommendations of the Committee of Ministers of the Council of Europe, the increasing attention being paid to these issues by the African Commission on Human and People’s Rights, and the many positive legislative and policy initiatives adopted  by States at the national level in diverse regions;

6. We note that the Human Rights Council must also play its part in accordance with its mandate to “promote universal respect for the protection of all human rights and fundamental freedoms for all, without discrimination of any kind, and in a fair and equal manner”(GA 60/251, OP 2);

7. We acknowledge that these are sensitive issues for many, including in our own societies. We affirm the importance of respectful dialogue, and trust that there is common ground in our shared recognition that no‐one should face stigmatisation, violence or abuse on any ground. In dealing with sensitive issues, the Council must be guided by the principles of universality and  non‐discrimination;

8. We encourage the Office of the High Commissioner for Human Rights to continue to address human rights violations based on sexual orientation and gender identity and to explore opportunities for outreach and constructive dialogue to enhance understanding and awareness of these issues within a human rights framework;

9. We recognise our broader responsibility to end human rights violations against all those who are marginalised and take this opportunity to renew our commitment to addressing discrimination in all  its forms;

10. We call on States to take steps to end acts of violence, criminal sanctions and related human rights violations committed against individuals because of their sexual orientation or gender identity, encourage Special Procedures, treaty bodies and other stakeholders to continue to integrate these issues within their relevant mandates, and urge the Council to address these important human rights issues.

This statement was signed by the following states:

Albania, Andorra, Argentina, Armenia, Australia, Austria, Belgium, Bolivia, Bosnia, Brazil, Bulgaria, Canada, the Central African Republic, Chile, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cuba, Cyprus, the Czech Republic, Denmark, Dominica, Dominican Republic, Ecuador, El Salvador, Estonia, Fiji, Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Greece, Guatemala, Honduras, Hungary, Iceland, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Japan, Latvia, Lichtenstein, Lithuania, Luxembourg, the former-Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia, Malta, the Marshall Islands, Mexico, Micronesia, Monaco, Mongolia, Montenegro, Nauru, Nepal, Netherlands, New Zealand, Nicaragua, Norway, Palau, Panama, Paraguay, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Rwanda, Samoa, San Marino, Serbia, Seychelles, Sierra Leone, Slovakia, Slovenia, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Thailand, Timor-Leste, Tuvalu, the United States of America, the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Ukraine, Uruguay, and Venezuela

It is a small win, but a win nonetheless on the road to equality internationally.

For more information, check out these sites:

http://www.globalequality.org/newsroom/latest-news/1-in-the-news/157

http://www.globalequality.org/storage/documents/pdf/sogi%20joint%20statement%20march%202011.pdf

Joint statement on ending acts of violence and related human rights violations based on sexual orientation & gender identity