And I still have no idea. I scanned my list of movies I own and shortened it a bit but realized that my reasons for loving some of them are a little too personal to put up for everyone to know. I think the whole question is far too personal. Actually saying what your favourite movie is feels like sharing a little window into your soul. And I don't always feel like letting people see in there.
Although I did pick a few selections to share.
So here are my top 12 movies:
1. Almost Famous: One of the few that can consistently top my list. I fucking love this movie. I have already talked about how much, but it cannot be stressed enough. It makes me feel how I wish I felt all the time. Understood, part of it, not alone. And it really is all I ever wanted to do: travel around with rock bands and write about it. I would love to do that so much but it isn't really possible. And the soundtrack is amazing. I first watched it as a teenager and I just wanted to run away and go on the road with the band. Of course, the Tiny Dancer scene is just amazing because music really does unite us no matter how bad things may get. I can't say enough about this movie because I don't have enough words to explain how it makes me feel.
2. But I'm a Cheerleader: Yay lesbian movie! Clearly my reasons for loving it are pretty personal. I watched it a lot in 2006 and wished that my coming out had been funnier instead of awkward the way it was. Yes, it is a kind of cheesy movie and whatever, but I love it. I do wish I had managed to see it when I was younger because I feel like maybe it could have helped in some way but it didn't go that way so I don't have that. Instead, I watched it one night with my ex at her old place because she loved the movie and I hadn't seen it. And like so many other things, I had to reclaim it as something I loved for me and not because of her in the aftermath. And I think I like it better now than I did then. Because in a weird way, it reminds me of my life except nothing like that ever happened to me. The closest I got was when I used to be afraid that little clues about my big gay secret would slip out and there would be some big ordeal where people forced me to deal with it back when I was a teenager. That didn't happen but I used to worry about it daily from the ages of 12-18 so in some ways it does remind me of myself. But mostly it makes me laugh. And I like having a movie where everything is not heterosexual and gay is okay and normal.
3. Clerks/Clerks II: Yeah I am combining these into one thing. Possibly because I actually love Clerks II even more but feel like if I have the sequel I should have the original. Because I am weird like that. But anyway, I love both because it feels like my life except a lot funnier and less gay. Clerks reminds me of that time I worked at a gas station and also of the first few years at the theatre. When I just sort of went to work, did what I needed to do, and spent a lot of time talking about semi-inappropriate things with my friends. When I learned more about life than I did anywhere else. Clerks II reminds me more of where I am at now. Where I am getting older and I am still in the same place that I was all those years ago. When you start really wondering what the hell you are doing and if you are looking to run for the sake of running. When your job becomes this thing you do and the people are strange and even though you are older, you still don't really feel grown up. Although my life doesn't have Jay or Silent Bob. Or a donkey show. Which might be the best/most awkward part of the movie. But seriously, what I love about Kevin Smith movies is that really weird shit happens, but the characters and their conversations feel real, like real people. Also, Clerks II is pretty much guaranteed to make me feel a little better, even when my head is a mess and I can't deal with anything.
4. Elizabethtown: I am pretty sure that I am the only person who even likes this movie but I really love it. A lot. And I kind of watch it all the time. I just get it. From the failure/fiasco talk at the beginning to the phone conversation in the hotel to the cathartic road trip, I just get it. It makes sense. It is how I feel a lot lately. I understand failing so badly that it rocks your whole life and leaves you reeling with no idea how you got there or what to do next. Then you get a curveball thrown your way. And you meet someone so different than you and you question everything a little bit. And I want to go on a road trip. Like it gives Drew, it might give me some space to deal with my life, my emotions. It might help me gain some perspective. Also, I could listen to the soundtrack forever.
5. Fight Club: I was kind of really obsessed with this movie a few years back. As in quoting it all the time. I bought in to the Tyler Durden philosophy for a while. Now not so much. It doesn't feel so relevant to me anymore. It seems more about men and masculinity therefore it seems to relate a lot less than me. Because the freedom of Fight Club and Project Mayhem seemed to be freedom for men, not so much for women. I don't think we got to be a part of their liberation. So that has put some distance in between me and Fight Club. But it is still a good movie, interesting concept, and still offers a lot to think about. It just doesn't feel quite so relevant anymore. I used to feel like it was one of those movies that seems like it was made for me and I don't really feel that way anymore.
6. Forrest Gump: Confession: I first saw this movie in December 2010. Because I am a freak who sometimes misses major pop culture phenomena like this. Like seriously, how did that happen? But anyway I can see why it was so popular. It is heartwarming. I love the soundtrack (how often is that part of my justification for loving a movie?) and the story. I love the historical/political aspect. I love the character of Jenny, because I always seem to love the fucked up female characters in almost every movie I see. (Possibly because I am a kind of fucked up female? Because it is all I have ever been?) I don't know, maybe it is because she is part of the 60's counterculture that I love so much. I love the contrast between Forrest's simplistic understanding of the world and naive love of people with Jenny's pain and Lt. Dan's anger at a world that let them both down. Forrest just loves them both. And I know I already said it, but the soundtrack is pretty damn amazing. Some of my favourite songs ever. And I feel like maybe I should be too jaded and bitter and whatever to like this movie as much as I do, but I can't help myself. I know I do the whole cold exterior thing, but I can't deny the real emotions and the joy that this movie brings me. So I love it.
7. Helen: So Adam and I are pretty much the only people who actually saw this movie but holy shit it is amazing. Also if anyone who has never been depressed wants to try to understand how it feels, watch this movie. Ashley Judd's performance is brilliant and heartbreaking. Lauren Lee Smith is captivating as well. I couldn't keep the tears away when I watched it. Because I do know. I know how depression feels. I know what lies at the depths and I know why it is so hard to just get better even though everyone else thinks you could if you wanted to. I know how you can fall in love with the madness. I know how you can not know how to be yourself without it. I know how it feels. And it is a genius piece of film-making in every way that I wish had gotten the attention it deserves.
8. In Good Company: I think this movie falls with Elizabethtown in the category of “movies I love that most other people didn't like” but that doesn't really matter to me. Another great soundtrack and another great story that I can relate to a little too well. Especially this year. This is kind of my In Good Company year at work. I kind of feel like Topher Grace's character in a few too many ways. I get how you can be successful at work and like being successful but still feel like maybe that isn't quite enough. Like maybe you are doing it for the wrong reasons. I don't know what I am really trying to say here but I do know that it makes a little more sense when I watch the movie.
9. Milk: I think this is the most inspiring biographical drama that I own. At least for me. Harvey Milk is an inspiration. The movie is so well done and packs such an emotional punch in the right way. It is a moving portrait of an icon. I don't really feel like my words can do the film proper justice. Just go watch it.
10. Reality Bites: The perfect post-graduation movie. I graduated with my BA in 2009. Getting a job with my liberal arts education has not exactly worked out as planned so far. And life is not as easy as you grow up thinking it will be. So anyway these factors, plus my general weirdness and my love for Winona Ryder all worked together to end up in my falling in love with this movie. It is kind of how I feel even though I am more like Ben Stiller's sellout character instead of the cool nonconformist main characters. But I do wish sometimes that I was more like Lelaina and Troy. I would have less money but maybe I would be happier. Maybe I would feel more authentic and less like my soul is a little empty. I don't know really, it just feels like maybe if I acted how I feel inside, I might feel a little less crazy. Also, another soundtrack shout out. Some pretty great 90's tunes in this soundtrack. And some pretty genuine feelings about growing up.
11. Rent: I fucking love Rent. Like way too much. A musical! With lesbians! Also with drug problems and AIDS and pretentious artists trying to navigate their young adulthood in a scary world that takes their friends away and tests their ability to feel free and to like themselves. The songs are great, the story is great and like a lot of children of the 90's, I used to want to be in Rent when I got older. Then I remembered that I can't sing or act and that it would never happen. So I bought the movie and I watch it when I want to feel the way I feel every time I see it. When I want to feel something about somewhere I wish I could have been, a time that I might have felt like I was a part of things.
12. Star Wars: Can the original trilogy be part of my favourites list without me feeling like a lame tool? I have no idea. But I do know I would be lying if I left it out. Because I was 10 when they were re-released in theatres. Because I wanted to be Han Solo. Because I let myself get swept up in the story and even though I am far too aloof for that now (and lying about it), I can still remember how it felt to let myself get lost in the story and in the magic. It was special. And yes, it makes me a nerd. I waited in lines for the prequels. I am actually excited for the 3D releases. And I can't see 3D so well. It is one of the few things that I can love unabashedly and not care how fundamentally uncool it makes me. Also, I think a 3D Death Star battle is going to be fucking awesome.
Also, Girl, Interrupted is pretty much one of my favourite movies of life, but the reasons why are not things that I really feel like sharing with the internet, so just note that it is a really fantastic movie and know that I love it. And here is a glimpse into my soul. Into what I love in movies and into who I am.
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